diving into now

 

i was awakened this morning by phone calls from my sweet family. a chorus of the voices i love to hear the most serenading me from right down the road, then from miles and states away. robert made me my favorite egg, cheese and mustard sandwich and i curled my hair. for today is my birthday, and as such, celebrations both little and big must ensue.

i started thinking as i got dressed about all the things i hope this year holds. materialistic and maternal dreams alike started popping into my head. but then i kissed my husband and pup goodbye and promised i'd see them tonight. and the sunrise hit the pavement and cut through the crab apple tree and i was reminded that now, yes right now. now is good.

i wore this shirt to work today.

 hahaha.

don't judge, just love and appreciate.

xoxoxo

in defense of pretending

 speaking of pretend, pablo likes to pretend he's an outdoor dog by looking out the window toward freedom. what a suppressed life that dog leads (not).

there was a man who called our house once convinced that someone else was on the other line.

he asked by name to speak to someone we did not know. and at first, we tried to explain. sir, you have the wrong number. but due to bad hearing or not listening or some combination of both, he kept on. he was thrilled to hear our voices. he had been wondering how we'd been. he missed us. he filled us in on the day-in, day-out happenings of his life. of cousins we must be thinking about and aunts he was certain we hadn't seen in ages.

and he called back, this man. left rambling messages on our machine. we'd huddle around it and listen as he breathed laboriously on the other end. sometimes, when we were there, we'd pick up, and engage him. be for him, in that moment, the family he needed us to be. he stopped calling after a while, but i never forgot it. maybe his memory failed him. maybe he truly thought my dad was his nephew. maybe he had pretended long enough that he forgot it was a charade and had succeeded in convincing even himself this was true.

i found myself thinking about him this morning while pouring my coffee. about how we morph into who someone thinks we are, sometimes without even knowing. and often, this is such a catastrophe. because the skinny jeans don't always fit and maybe the bangs aren't right for our face shape, or the book just doesn't excite that part of us that books are supposed to excite.

but sometimes this transformation can be just a little exciting, even fun. when you slip on the work pumps even though you sometimes feel just special enough for flats. when you curl your hair and swipe on the lipstick to become ready for friday night. or when you nod across the phone line that yes, you miss uncle billy even though you know full well that uncle billy is not your uncle billy and may not be anyone's uncle or even named billy. because pretend doesn't always mean pretense, after all.

where i have and haven't been

via

i apologize for the silence in these parts lately. truth is, i've been super busy. so busy that when robert surprised me at work and asked if i could take a quick walk to the end of the parking lot with him i said no. and right there, at eight in the evening on a saturday in june, those words were the meanest things i've ever spoken to my husband.

because yes, i could have taken a break to walk thirty feet with him.

yes, i could have put my ipad down and sat with pablo while he ate supper. my back against the warm knotty pine cabinets, stroking his back as he dove headfirst into the red bowl, then to the blue one for a drink. but i sat in the office instead and he moped around until he finally got his courage up enough to go into the kitchen without me, gulping down fistfulls of food in a fit of nerves.

yes, i could have called my sister and brother instead of texting them goodnight, like i've done every evening for the past week. heard her voice on the phone and his music in the background. but it was past midnight and i figured they'd be asleep. so i shot off a quick message and sunk dizzily into the bed.

and i could have made myself breakfast. or coffee. i could have taken a minute to sigh into child's pose or downward dog. just a second of stretch.

i could have read my Bible and played my hymns. tended to the garden better or made robert a home-cooked meal. well, at least a meal in the crock-pot.

because as terribly busy, exhausted and sleep-deprived as i was, those things matter. those things matter more than anything in this entire earth and they are worth my time.

it's important to do things as you are called. and it was actually an honor to be tasked with the work i was this week.

but i have another calling too. a deep, sacred, privileged calling. and it's about time i picked up.

an emancipation proclamation

 via

one day in september, there was an afternoon where the cool, midday sun hung in the trees for hours.

i was fourteen and still swinging in the old tire hanging off the tree near the creek behind our house. i would lay on my belly against the rubber, my eyes facing the cracked mud and tiny clover on the ground. i remember turning in circles, twisting the rope until it was tightly coiled. then i would pull my legs up to my chest and tense my body as the swing unraveled itself, spinning me dizzily.

i thought about that afternoon this morning. that specific day. i don't have many days that i specifically remember from my youth. i have stages, sure. the big t-shirt phase. the year i chopped my hair into a horrible bob to look like mary-anne from the babysitter's club. on that note, the years i read nothing but babysitter's club books in my spare time and even formed my own club at school. the humid summer i met robert. the short season i like raisins. there are waves of time that encompass entire years and half-decades. days often elude me. but not that one.

i thought about that sensation. that tensing and releasing, tightening and loosening. and i realized there's a similar one stirring now. an anxiety sitting on my chest. a wound rope around my heart in need of a good unravel.

so it's warm bath time. front porch rocker time. bible reading in the early morning when the house is still asleep time. beach towel on hot sand time. it's slower now than that september day. more methodical and intentional. but the unwind will come. the release is already happening. and just as i pushed off the red clay, muddying my tennis shoes and spraying pebbles into the wood, i am preparing for takeoff.

this morning, it means lots of dark coffee and deep breaths. tonight, it will mean sitting by my grandfather's bedside as he prepares for another type of liberation. a breaking of the chains of this life. we're all winding up. it's how we unfurl that defines us.

or just a stirring in my soul, who knows?

 first: thank you all for the sweet birthday wishes and prayers for my presentation. i  have never in my entire life felt the Spirit so tangibly. i was a bundle of nerves the entire day...up until the moment they called my name to present. a heavenly calm washed over me and i spoke clearer than ever. so really, thank you for rallying. now, the story:


25.

this was it--the next big milestone. that next leap after 21 and before 30. john mayer called it a "quarter life crisis" and even though i can't say i agree with much that john says these days, i kind of like that sentiment.

but what does a quarter life crisis look like? it's not a mid-life one, with a cherry red convertible and boyfriend half my age. it's not a sweet sixteen meltdown with a tiara slipping down my forehead.

rather, this much resembles a quiet unfolding of self. of coming into my own, finally, for better or for worse. for example, i figured out on monday how i like my coffee. with the tiniest splash of cream and one sugar. i know exactly how may degrees left and right i need to turn the rusty metal knobs of the bathtub faucet to reach my perfect soaking temperature. i've come to understand that i really do need something on my feet at all times or i will catch a cold. that i have my mama's back and my grandma's knees.

i've learned i really just need a hot mug of coffee and maybe some pretty words, and that can be enough for the morning. that i simply don't care for rascal flatts. or the road. that i have a conscience the size of texas and can't even tell a fib on april fool's day. that i cry at the drop of a pin and wear out my emotions like the old bob dylan record on my shelf.

it's not much. no oprah moment. more of a slow exhale, an ah.......ha. so this is me. this is courtney. well, welcome girl.

with every catching of my reflection, i'm reminded there's a universe there. a world of favorites. of dislikes. of preferences.

and really, it's more of a metamorphosis. a jellyfish expanding and contracting in the sea. looking inward, facing outward, looking backward, moving forward.

a step and a leap. a fist and a palm.

it's like middle school all over again

it has happened.

the bangs have reached that awkward place. that half inch too long that is easily snippable, nothing a few minutes with the shears won't fix, but i don't have nerve to tackle it myself.

because i'm the girl who thought, oh it's just a few weeks. let's schedule my next hair appointment about a month out. and i'm left with fringe over my eyebrows, a little tickle of hair that sweeps over my lashes. frantically searching my bathroom drawer for bobby pins or hairspray or something of the like to hold these babies in.place.

it's a minuscule little pesky problem. nothing in the grand scheme of things. nothing a sweep to the side won't fix. but it's 8:30 a.m. and my coffee cup is sitting empty beside me and right now, it is akin to a catastrophe. but sunshine is streaming in through the window to the right of me and it's okay. it's going to be just fine.

and like that big t-shirt phase i went through in middle school (which happened to coincide with those few months i had my hair cut in an awful bob to look just like rachel leigh cook on the babysitter's club movie), this too shall pass.

bangs of old

last week was terribly long. i survived on iced coffees. that the last week of summer school happened to collide with the week of this year's Largest Proposal at work, was a cruel coincidence.

so on tuesday, when i couldn't bear the fact that the week still wasn't half over, i got bangs.

because i haven't had bangs since i was seven. and then, they were paired with a sweet side pony and an oversized pastel sweater with a unicorn motif. and that was for my school picture.

on this blog, i advocate doing whatever it is that makes you feel like you. like the best version of yourself. whether its a swipe of lipstick before running out the door. those high heels that cost a week's salary. reading your Bible by lamplight. as long as you feel authentically real, it's worth it, justified and logical.

but last week, i didn't really want to be me. at least  not the me i am now. not the girl behind the monitors. under the piles of schoolwork. frantically looking up MLA style online because for the life of me i can't remember.how.to.cite.my.sources.

i wanted to be the me of old. the me of seven years. with elementary graduation up ahead. still to discover the extra wide halls of the middle school. the wonders of high school. prom and college yet to be tackled.

so i reverted. and the crazy thing?

i feel more like myself now than ever before. maybe its the fact that i woke this morning to a hazy carolina sunrise. maybe its the sweet tea, not iced coffee, chilling beside me.

either way, it's good to be back.

the song that wasn't

I sat down to write you a song

A simple melody you could hold on to

I wanted to tell you I love you

I wanted to tell you I feel you near, but

Two hours later

A blank sheet of paper

And I’m still here

Your words are beautiful

Your words are wonderful

Your word’s the lamp unto my weary, wandering feet

My words are ordinary

My words fall flat and every

Single time I write them I feel so inadequate

Cause you wrote the book

xxxx

maybe i'm crazy

source

there's a man who lives down the road from my grandpa and me. in a clapboard white shack. a few yards back from the rural lane. right in the crook of the turn.

for as long as i can remember, he's rented that little house. long enough to have paid off a real mortgage years ago. but month after month, he shells out the cash. to maintain his little refuge, alone in the country with a few good dogs.

old pickups, at least four of them, decorate the front lawn. there is a metal contraption in the yard upon which at least a dozen randomly shaped birdhouses hang lackadaisically. clothes are hung on the line even when it's raining. the back porch is visible from the road, decorated top to bottom with old license plates, rusty with age and weather. a lifetime bachelor, it's not uncommon to see him sitting shirtless on his deck, surrounded by his few best friends, being a little too loud.

and all around the place, random bits of furniture are scattered. a few worn down barns sit just off to the left, old tobacco sheds rotting away season by season. on halloween, he passes out stale circus peanuts.

from an outside eye, he is a bit eccentric, to say the least. but he's a good man--a harmless outlaw holding on to what he loves.

yesterday we drove by his place, going slow in the snow.

and i saw smoke rising from his deteriorating chimney. heard lynyrd skynyrd blaring from somewhere inside his heap of a home. and imagined him. in his favorite recliner, hands wrapped around his meager cup of weak coffee. not hurting anyone, just being. being himself. alone. comfortable.

and i thought about the line between offbeat and crazy. and i think he has managed to squeeze his ripped up wranglers right in between. sometimes i envy his ability to live so openly, so completely him. without any care of societal norms or what anyone might think. 


because what is normal? maybe, for some people, normal takes on a different appearance. that doesn't mean it's not completely suitable for them.


i don't think my neighbor is crazy. misunderstood, yes. but content, secure and sweet? you betcha. 


look past the chaos littered on the lawn, and inside sits a man who's got a lot of life, at least the part i struggle with, neatly ironed out.

accolades and the girl God made

i won an award in the fifth grade, but i passed it up. i had to read a paper over the intercom, and my anxieties over my stutter forced me to give up the title (and a trip to the local theme park). you can read about it here.

but today it's different. i wish i could go back. to that little school in the middle of the country. with its trailers outside and cafeteria that smelled like cookies and chicken pie. to reclaim that prize and speak, even if slow and strained, over the loud speaker.

thankfully, my sweet blogger friends have given me the opportunity to receive another kind of award, and i'll accept it with humility, grace and appreciation! the best part? i can type my answers! 

the sweet, beautiful grace from loving life, the awesome in my tennis shoes, super talented bethani of when a girl met a boy, and the adventerous, fun ana from the world through my eyes sweetly gave me the stylish blogger award.

for a girl who still wears flared jeans and sometimes scrunchies (i dare you to find a better hold with a regular hair tie), this award truly touches my heart, so thank you. please go check out grace's blog. she is kind, funny, and honest about juggling school, work and being a girl in general. 

in my tennis shoes is a daily stop for me! the way she writes about her family and faith is so inspiring and refreshing.

bethani is my new favorite pen pal:) just got your letter, sweet friend! made my day, i tell you.

and ana is the epitome of cool and fun. did you know she made an impromptu trip to the big apple to watch the ball drop on new year's eve? head over to her blog and read about her fun adventure and her sweet grandpa!

i hereby tag:

1. angie, from living aloha

2. dawn, from puzzle pieces

3.    thisisme, from southhamsdarling

4.    amy, from a daring little life

5.    haley k, from LIFE is sweet...
6. jessica, from heart on homestead
7. diana smith, from the smith circle

all fabulous, beautiful bloggers that i want to learn more about. simply answer seven questions about yourselves, ladies, then pass the award on to more bloggers. i chose to honor seven.

so, seven things about me:

1. i am a child of God. i remember visiting my friend's church in middle school, and everyone went around in a circle and prayed a little prayer out loud. mine was something simple, like "thank you for this day and for always being there for me." but one girl said something i'll never forget. she said, "Lord, help me walk in a way worthy of being called your child." before my feet hit the wood floor every morning, i try to breathe up this prayer toward the ceiling, toward a God who hears me, understands me, and listens.

2. i love the circus. with an unmatched, unexplainable passion and fervor. the first thing i did with my christmas money? buy two front row seats for me and robert to the ringling brothers and barnum & bailey circus coming in february. front row, friends! there's just something nostalgic and beautiful about the circus. has anyone seen the movie big fish? you know the scene when ewan mcgregor first enters the circus ring and sees karl the giant? the whole scene just embodies the 1920s. it's magical, a little mystical, and just astonishing.

source

3. speaking of big fish, i had a sit-down interview with daniel wallace, the author who wrote the book on which the movie was based, for my college journalism final project. in his classroom at unc chapel hill. he told me about the saddest moment in his life, things he wished he could have changed, and why he wrote the book. it was the best interview i ever did. i aced the project.

4. robert and i are high school sweethearts. we got married exactly five years from our first date. total, we've been together seven years. that's not to say that our romance was perfect, or is to this day. but its those imperfections, those little arguments and big make ups that make it life...make it real.

5. i keep my hand lotion in the fridge. try it.

6. until my sister moved away to college, we had a life-sized cardboard cutout of tom cruise in our bedroom. for about 10 years. it was of him talking on the phone, in a scene from jerry mcguire. it scared all my high school friends.

7. one of my favorite movies is wild hearts can't be broken. i was a bit sad to hear that sonora carver, the woman the movie is based on, didn't care for the way her story was portrayed. i just finished her book, "a girl and five brave horses," to hear her side. both are fantastic. she dove horses off the atlantic city pier in the 1920s-1930s. there's so much more to it than that, but go read the book!

source

-----

so now you know a little more about me. thank you for not making me say these things out loud. this is better than a trip to the theme park, hands down.

you'll be the first to spin your story

after my shower last night, i looked in the mirror.

the tiny, silver rimmed one cleverly masking the medicine cabinet. with its still damp toothbrush.

and i took a second to examine my eyes. the curve of my lips, the shape of my forehead. the height of my cheekbones and the depths of my pupils. i tried to look subjectively. from an outside perspective. and i almost accomplished it. for a split second, i saw a stranger. past the familiar, the usual and the comfortable. into an alien state of out-of-body consciousness. i forgot my favorites. my likes and dislikes. my preferences and tastes. and just saw a girl. with wet hair in a bun and smudged mascara.

then my glance turned upward. to the tiny crevice emerging just slightly from the top of my left brow. a tiny pock mark no bigger than the head of a pushpin. a light scar from the time i had chickenpox in elementary school. in my impatience and utter agony, i had scratched at the surface of my skin, and everyone knows you don't scratch chickenpox. you just don't.

and i returned. to myself, the evening, the present.

because it was quite possible, that at that very moment, another girl was doing the exact same thing, wet hair and all. maybe in paris. maybe in ecuador. maybe right down the road. there was a chance that her hair was wet, that she had just taken a deliciously hot bath. that her mascara was leaking.

but i knew for certain, beyond any doubt creeping in with the moon, that no one was running her finger across a tiny, circular imprint just above her brow. jaggedly round, with a raised right side.

that was just me. just courtney.

a mustard seed

source

 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20

From behind my desk, I watched the clock strike 6:30 p.m. My boss and I were some of the only employees left in the building. We had been working painstakingly since 8 a.m. on a big proposal that, if won, could mean great things for our company. For more than 10 hours, we had hole punched, typed, edited and formatted until the project was complete. The only problem? We were in North Carolina and it had to arrive in Georgia by the next afternoon. We had to deliver it via FedEx. In our area, the last delivery time is typically no later than 6:30 p.m.

We browsed the Internet until we found a self-serve drop box nearby that was open until 7:00. We had less than half an hour. My boss hurriedly scribbled the address on a sticky note. In my haste to get out the door, it fell to the floor and was locked behind me. "Lewis!" I yelled across the parking lot. "What was the address again?" He hesitated for a moment, then yelled back "7027 Albert Pick Road!" With a broken GPS and a terrible sense of direction, I headed toward where I thought the road was. As I drove, I began to pray, Lord I'm not sure where I'm going. This is all riding on me now. Please help me find this place.

To my great surprise, I found the road on my first try. However, my satisfaction quickly dwindled when I looked around me. The road was home to a huge business park. Dozens of office buildings lined its side streets, each with its address hidden behind towering shade trees. The place was empty, as most of its businesses shut down at 5:00. Dodging roundabouts and merging lanes, I entered from the east side. Almost immediately, I found Building 7027. I had less than 10 minutes to go but was feeling pretty confident. Then, I circled the building five times. No drop box in sight.

I swerved in the vacant parking lot and desperately ran up to the door. Locked and dark inside. With less than five minutes to go, I hopped in my car and started the long, sad process of giving up. I searched on my phone for other local FedEx offices, telling myself that this was hopeless. I prayed again. Lord. We have worked so hard on this. Please help me find the drop box! All of a sudden, I looked up. A light went on in a building across the park. A completely random, unmarked building. It was the only lighted building as far as I could see. I thought to myself, if there are lights on, maybe there will be someone in there who can point in the right direction. Immediately, I drove over, ran up to the front door, package in tow, and found that it opened into a vast lobby with nothing but elevators on both sides.

One woman was exiting the lobby from the other side. "Excuse me!" I yelled, but she walked out the door without stopping. Confused and lost, I started to walk back to my car when something caught my eye. There was a little room off to the right, no larger than an office cubicle. As I entered it, my heart leapt. There, nestled in the tiniest of spaces, was the drop box, with a bold, beautiful sign that said "Today's Delivery has NOT Occurred Yet." Tears of relief and thanksgiving welled up in my eyes.


The proposal was successfully delivered that afternoon. I quickly put it in the box and slammed the lid, but not before placing my shaking hand on the cool metal and saying a prayer of gratitude to the Great Deliverer Himself.
 -----
faith comes in all forms and is a pivotal part of many religions. for me, it is belief in things unseen and a hope for my future. it doesn't always come in such a grand way as i experienced that day. sometimes it's a shout, yes. but most of the time, it's simply a whisper. a soft echoing into my soul that speaks peace to my being. it comes in the kitchen, when i'm preparing supper after a long day. in the bedroom, when i'm on my knees in prayer late at night. in the conference room, as my shaking hands grasp presentation papers. and through it, i feel Christ assure me. lead me.


this was a story about faith. an aha moment in my spiritual walk. a tangible, loud confirmation of the power of prayer. but more often than not, faith is a quiet space. it is finding the power to believe in those moments between the ahas,  in the deep, dark crevices of life and the lowest of devastating wells, that faith truly finds its foothold, and its power to move mountains. and i'm so thankful it does. because sometimes, that's all i can muster. the faith of a mustard seed. but sometimes, that's all it takes.

a list of four for you

every morning, steaming cup of coffee in hand, i sit down to read some of my favorite blogs. one of the first ones i always go to is young people in love. the writer, sam, is a beautiful, fabulous art therapist (first of all, can you think of a more awesome job?), and she always writes the most inspiring, sweet stories and ancedotes. she tagged me yesterday in a "list of four" blog game that i'm thrilled to participate in. here goes!

four shows i watch:
1. glee for the music, social awareness, and weekly reminders of
   self-worth.

2. modern family because it is hands down the funniest show on
   television.

3. man vs. food because adam richman is crazy and let’s be
   honest, who wouldn’t want to watch a man stomach 21 hot dogs
   in 15 minute?

4. everyday italian. because i want to be giada. to live in her
   beach house with adorable daughter jade. to cook with that
   passion and ardor, and look absolutely stunning while eating
   pasta.

four things i'm passionate about: 
1.  sharing the love of Christ to the world and finding a 
    receptive audience/venue for the message.

2. vintage clothing. vintage housewares. vintage electronics.  
   chances are, if it was made from the 1970s and before, I am 
   passionate about it. find my etsy shop here.  

3. carving out a little time each day, no matter how hectic,  
   stressed or overloaded it is, to spend with my family. they 
   won’t always be here, and when i look back on the way i spent 
   my time, i don’t want to see a long row of deadlines. i want to 
       see laughter around kitchen tables, long nights on the phone with 
   my sister, and random trips downtown with my brother. this 
   includes time with robert, my high school sweetheart, best 
   friend and husband.

4. my dog, pablo ricky ricardo myers. he is a rescue bichon frise. 
   we adopted him when he was five, malnourished and 
   shaven. two years of fattening him up later, he is  healthy, 
   rolly-polly fluffball of love. the kisses he
   showers on me when i come home from work make my heart 
   want to burst with happiness. he is also insanely loyal, 
   and loves to fetch. 

 

    
four phrases i say a lot
1.  “ten bucks says.” this is most often used to stress the point 
   that i know i’m about to be right on something. example: “ten 
   bucks says I can finish my slice of pizza before you” or “ten 
       bucks says it’s going to rain today just because i wore my 
       special suede moccasins that can’t get wet.” of course, i’m 
   all bark and no bite and don’t know what i’d do if someone 
   made me pay up. 

2. “you know what i’m saying?” (self-explanatory.)

3. “i ain’t never in my life…” an expression used to express disbelief. 
   example: “i ain’t never in my life seen a thrift store this 
   big.” can also be used on its own. the english major in me 
   shivers every time I say it, but it just comes out.

4.  “man alive!” used to express wonderment and awe. example: “man 
   alive! LOVE those shoes!”

four things i've learned from the past: 
1. that maya angelou was right. people will forget what you said,  
        people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you
        made them  feel. 

2. that following someone to college really can work out. and be 
   beautiful.

3.   that people who pick on you are the ones you should try to
   love the most, for there’s typically hurt and sadness behind
   those mean words. 

4. that the best way for a woman to understand a man is to 
   realize he's not a woman, and the best way for a man 
   to understand a woman is to realize she's not a man.

four places i'd like to go:
1.   mount rushmore. i just want to see it!  
2. new england at peak leaf season.
3. venice in the spring. 
4. paris in the fall.

four things I did yesterday: 
1. wrote and delivered five government proposals.  

2. ate homemade pasta e fagioli with my grandfather and family. 
   noodles and beans, drenched in olive oil and cracked black 
   pepper. the ultimate Italian comfort food. 

3. decorated our little cottage for Christmas (pictures to come 
   soon!) 

4. shopped at a thrift store and got vintage fabric and twine to 
   wrap presents in this year. so cute and unique, and for a 
   FRACTION of the price of wrapping paper.

four things I’m looking forward to: 
1. rocking babies to sleep one day, with twilight creeping in through  
       an open window and slippers on my feet. 

2. starting my master’s program at johns hopkins. 

3. building a house with robert. nothing big, just a slightly 
   larger cottage in a field somewhere close by. 

4. robert’s half-marathon this weekend. you go, babe! i’ll be 
   cheering on the sidelines, warm cup of coffee and camera in 
   hand.

four things I love about winter: 
1.   HELLO. the increase in CROCKPOT usage! 

2. the excuse to load up the bed with about eight heavy quilts and 
   cover my entire body except a little air pocket for breathing. 

3.  snow nights. snow days are good too, but there’s something 
   special about standing in your kitchen with all the lights 
   off, watching the grass slowly dissolve into white, knowing 
   there’s no work/school the next day and you can sleep in,   
   with absolutely.nothing.to.do. 

4. the towns all decked out for the holiday, with cherry red     
   bows on street lights and candles in the windows.

source

four things on my wishlist: 
1. a healthy, happy family. 
2. pretty much everything in this shop. 
3. nienie’s calendar. 
4. a shopping spree at value village, my favorite neighborhood 
   thrift store.

i'd love to learn a little more about a few of my favorite bloggers, so i hereby tag the following fabulous four:

lindsay at scenic glory

maureen at daydream living

kaity at now and evermore

amber at amber blue bird 

can't wait to read your responses, sweet ladies! thank you again to the fantastic sam at young people in love!

relay of friendship

relay races always scared me during field day. i felt as if all the pressure were on me-if my leg slid out during the sack race, the pair behind me would be delayed, thus making our whole team lose. if i suddenly got a bad case of butter fingers and dropped the baton during a race, what would happen then? the pressure was insurmountable.

but this is a different kind of relay-the kind of relay i love:) the beautiful and fabulous a whole lotta love has tagged me in the Friendship Relay. it means so much that she would choose me, giving my little blog a chance to shine! now, like a true relay, it is my turn to pass the baton to my fellow blogging friends. i was chosen because my blog is new, and new blogs need love too! thus, i choose to share this honor with three lovely up-and-coming bloggers who i just know are going to explode the blogosphere with their awesomeness. some are brand-spanking new, and some have graced us for a few months. i'm privileged to be your followers, ladies:

1. Peaches from Living Peachy Keen
2. Ana from The World Through My Eyes
3. Emily from Little Things in Life
4. Amy from A Daring Little Life

if you've been tagged, simply answer the following questions in your own post and pass the baton to a few more friends. looking so forward to your responses! just watch those butter fingers.

1.   What did you first want to be when you grew up?
A writer. When I was 10, I made and bound a blue book of short stories. They were all created on Microsoft Notepad and were very simple, but full of imagination. On the last page, I glued a picture of myself and wrote a little “author’s biography.” The last line was “Courtney loves to get fan mail.”

2.   Favorite childhood game?
MASH. Not the television show, of course. Does anyone remember MASH? It is a little game you play on paper, where you predict the names of your future children, what kind of car you’re going to drive, what your husband’s name will be, how many kid’s you’ll have, how much money you’ll make, etc. and of course, if you’ll live in a Mansion, Apartment, Shack or House. Even as a young girl, I was obsessed with my future life—the life I’m living now.

3.   Most favorite birthday?
My best birthday was probably when I turned 16 and got my license. Such a cliché answer, but that day wasn’t important for the obvious reasons. I remember it instead because my grandma was still around, and we celebrated it around her kitchen table. I remember riding to the DMV with my mama. I remember just feeling so special, and the world felt so right. My grandma passed away that same year, so that birthday is especially special.

4.   Something you've always wanted to do and haven't done yet?
Have babies. I want them someday. Just not today. Sometimes I get emotional thinking about how my entire life will one day revolve around these little beings I haven't even met yet. I'll just be driving down the road and think about my future son's first love, or my daughter's wedding and it makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I can't wait, but I can. Does that make sense?

5.   What was your first love?
Cheerleading. I originally wanted to try out for basketball, but my dad forgot the tryout date. I cheered for eight straight years. It was part of my identity, but I tried to never let it consume me. I eventually grew a bit tired of it, but stuck with it through high school. Through cheering, I met one of the angels of my life-Suzanne. She was my stunting partner all through school. She passed away in a car wreck in 2007. There’s a huge, blown up picture of our squad hanging in the halls of my high school. Suzanne’s arm is around me. My mom works at the school and every time she passes that picture, she thanks Suz for watching over me. This isn't that picture, but here is beautiful Suz:

i'm the one in the back with the disgusted look on her face. we just won, so i'm not sure what caused that expresion.

7.    First musical idol?

Don't judge, but Billy Ray Cyrus. All growing up, I had a poster

of him the back of my bedroom door. The poster was created at the

height of his mullet glory. It was awesome. Once, a boy at my

church liked me, and to express his deep(unrequited) love, he

mailed me a shirt screen printed with the lyrics to Achy Breaky

Heart.

source

8.   Favorite gift?

I grew up with a gap between my two front teeth. Not crazy

wide, but enough so that I could spit water through it. When I

was 17 years old, my parents gave me the best Christmas gift

ever. In my stocking was a little gift certificate for a

dentist visit--I got the gap filled in! I am all for embracing 

what makes you unique and would never recommend this procedure

for everyone, but my self esteem increased tenfold. Robert, who

knew me even way back then, will every now and then tell me he

misses the gap.

9.    If a theme song played for you everywhere you went, what would it be?

Martina McBride-Blessed. Because I am. So much.

10.    Favorite city to visit?

Chicago! My awesome uncles live there, the air and streets are

clean, and the people are friendly. There’s just a special

feeling about walking those city streets. If you are ever there,

please visit Portillo's/Barnelli's and get the chopped salad.

Just warning you-your life will be changed.

weheartit

thank you, a whole lotta love, for this fun award. the questions were thoughtful and unique, which made this fun.

robert and i are taking my brother clint this weekend to see the lovely joanna newsom play her little harp out in the north carolina mountains. enjoy your saturday, sweet friends!