Friday, May 4, 2012

an emancipation proclamation

one day in september, there was an afternoon where the cool, midday sun hung in the trees for hours.

i was fourteen and still swinging in the old tire hanging off the tree near the creek behind our house. i would lay on my belly against the rubber, my eyes facing the cracked mud and tiny clover on the ground. i remember turning in circles, twisting the rope until it was tightly coiled. then i would pull my legs up to my chest and tense my body as the swing unraveled itself, spinning me dizzily.

i thought about that afternoon this morning. that specific day. i don't have many days that i specifically remember from my youth. i have stages, sure. the big t-shirt phase. the year i chopped my hair into a horrible bob to look like mary-anne from the babysitter's club. on that note, the years i read nothing but babysitter's club books in my spare time and even formed my own club at school. the humid summer i met robert. the short season i like raisins. there are waves of time that encompass entire years and half-decades. days often elude me. but not that one.

i thought about that sensation. that tensing and releasing, tightening and loosening. and i realized there's a similar one stirring now. an anxiety sitting on my chest. a wound rope around my heart in need of a good unravel.

so it's warm bath time. front porch rocker time. bible reading in the early morning when the house is still asleep time. beach towel on hot sand time. it's slower now than that september day. more methodical and intentional. but the unwind will come. the release is already happening. and just as i pushed off the red clay, muddying my tennis shoes and spraying pebbles into the wood, i am preparing for takeoff.

this morning, it means lots of dark coffee and deep breaths. tonight, it will mean sitting by my grandfather's bedside as he prepares for another type of liberation. a breaking of the chains of this life. we're all winding up. it's how we unfurl that defines us.

15 comments:

Janette said...

Is Nanno your grandpa? Sorry to hear that friend:-( What a lovely way you have of sharing things... Never ceases to amaze, inspire, and bless God for the amazing gift He's given you...

Janette, the Jongleur

PS. I loooooove BSC! I wanted to be artsy like Claudia, but a leader like Kristy.. I loved that series...The author should write a "Where are they now" series.. On each girl and where they ended up in life.. I think a lot of people would buy it...I would!

Michelle said...

Oh I loved this! I understand this completely. I've lived and breathed those same thoughts and the tightening and loosening. So beautiful.

Kira said...

I hope the unwind happens for you soon and I will be praying for you, your grandfather, and the rest of your family.

the southern hostess said...

So beautiful. My grandad is really struggling with his health right now, so these words hit home.

chambanachik said...

Thinking of you and of your grandfather. You put this so wonderfully.

Erin {pughs' news} said...

This is so beautifully written, Courtney. My thoughts are with you. xo

Bibi said...

Very beautifully written - you and your grandfather are in my thoughts and prayers.

ginanorma said...

I'm still praying for him and you;)

Ana Magdalena said...

Oh Courtney, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and your family.

Eleanor at Mirror Of My World said...

my thoughts are with you sweet lady x

Thisisme. said...

A breaking of the chains of this life - how beautifully you put things my sweet friend. I hope that your grandfather's passing will be peaceful, and I am so glad that you are going to sit with him. You are in my prayers and I send you hugs.

Anonymous said...

Ridiculous quest there. What happened after? Take care!


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