Friday, April 20, 2012

or just a stirring in my soul, who knows?

 first: thank you all for the sweet birthday wishes and prayers for my presentation. i  have never in my entire life felt the Spirit so tangibly. i was a bundle of nerves the entire day...up until the moment they called my name to present. a heavenly calm washed over me and i spoke clearer than ever. so really, thank you for rallying. now, the story:


this was it--the next big milestone. that next leap after 21 and before 30. john mayer called it a "quarter life crisis" and even though i can't say i agree with much that john says these days, i kind of like that sentiment.

but what does a quarter life crisis look like? it's not a mid-life one, with a cherry red convertible and boyfriend half my age. it's not a sweet sixteen meltdown with a tiara slipping down my forehead.

rather, this much resembles a quiet unfolding of self. of coming into my own, finally, for better or for worse. for example, i figured out on monday how i like my coffee. with the tiniest splash of cream and one sugar. i know exactly how may degrees left and right i need to turn the rusty metal knobs of the bathtub faucet to reach my perfect soaking temperature. i've come to understand that i really do need something on my feet at all times or i will catch a cold. that i have my mama's back and my grandma's knees.

i've learned i really just need a hot mug of coffee and maybe some pretty words, and that can be enough for the morning. that i simply don't care for rascal flatts. or the road. that i have a conscience the size of texas and can't even tell a fib on april fool's day. that i cry at the drop of a pin and wear out my emotions like the old bob dylan record on my shelf.

it's not much. no oprah moment. more of a slow exhale, an ah.......ha. so this is me. this is courtney. well, welcome girl.

with every catching of my reflection, i'm reminded there's a universe there. a world of favorites. of dislikes. of preferences.

and really, it's more of a metamorphosis. a jellyfish expanding and contracting in the sea. looking inward, facing outward, looking backward, moving forward.

a step and a leap. a fist and a palm.


larisaa said...

Oh my goodness. This is amazing. A moment in your life where you've seen and done and heard enough to know where you stand amidst all those things. I'm a little scared to turn 25 next year---that I wont have it all figured out yet. But I guess, I know myself and I love myself and that's the very first and most important step.

So glad your birthday and presentation went well!

Blondie's Journal said...

Beautifully written... you are wise beyond your years. I can only imagine what you will be writing when you are 50!


Ana Magdalena said...

I don't think there's anything more beautiful than finding oneself, and accepting the self we have developed into.

I hope you write a post similar to this one... telling us what it feels like to be you, at 50. This 25 year old Courtney seems pretty awesome, but I can't wait to read more about what your 50 year old self is going to be like.

ruthy ann said...

well...i'd say you know yourself quite well for 25...and of course verbalize it so beautifully in writing.

Thisisme. said...

I so agree with Blondie. You are so wise beyond your years. tHE 25 YEAR OLD Courtney seems pretty amazing to me! Hugs to you my sweet friend.

wildchild said...

well i'm glad that you had a wonderful birthday, and that you rocked your presentation! thank jesus for his presence sometimes, right? well, all the time, actually, but i think you know what i mean.

also, your 25 year old revelations creeping up on you sound perfect. i love how good it feels when you finally figure out how who you really are. you feel like you can finally breathe evenly. you feel relaxed and at peace. that peace must have been the best birthday present.

Emily said...

I hope I am this confident about knowing myself at 25! You put it all beautifully and I think john mayer may be right about a quarter life crisis.

ash said...

i love this. and you, for that matter. how sweet it is to start to get to know who we really are. and you, my friend, are definitely worth getting to know. here's to 25! :)

Kira said...

That's beautiful. It doesn't sound like a crisis at all. I'm so glad to hear the presentation went well!

Danielle said...

I absolutely love this post.
So beautifully well written!

And there is so much truth in your words.
I remember when I turned 24 I started to really feel like myself, everything just fell into place.

chambanachik said...

So beautiful. I agree on the Rascal Flatts, by the way. And definitely agree with the Bob Dylan!

Jacqlyn said...

i always come to your blog for cup of writing inspiration, the way your words dance on the page and morph so seemlessly together. i think i am reaching my "ah,ha" moment too. isn't it just fabulous? :)

McKinley {Haolepinos} said...

I am so so so glad you felt so much peace with your presentation! And I agree 25 is a quarter life crisis!! Like you said you totally come into your own and realize that your not that same 18/19 year old but you are older but still young... but you're that much closer to 30 which is something you don't want to ever have to comprehend! I are a great writer and I always love to read your blog!

McKinley {Haolepinos} said...

Oops I meant to say "You are a great writer..." I wrote a sentence previous that I erased but still left the I ahahha sorry!

Patty said...

Happy Birthday! (Belated!) I'm binge-reading your blog right now. You are such a talented writer, everything is so beautifully, and lovingly, told.

ps. where is that sweater from? Too cute!

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