i wore this shirt to work today.

 hahaha.

don't judge, just love and appreciate.

xoxoxo

this weekend...

 

 

...will be spent mugging on this sweet face.

who stayed up past midnight with his babysitter, waiting for me to return from night school.

who reminds me that this world can be simple. and beautiful. and good.

if we just let it.

what are your weekend plans? pablo and i hope they involve sleep:)

i have a 63-year old child

pablo turns eight, 2011.

pablo turns nine today!

or 63.

however you want to look at it.

i was up late making pupcakes (which contain regular, dog-friendly baking ingredients but taste like cardboard. think whole wheat cupcakes.) i put the finishing touches on the slideshow and trivia game, and robert prepared the pork roast for our cookout tonight.

i rose at 5:30 to clean the house, put up the requisite birthday banner, wrap all his gifts and prepare the goodie bag for the trivia winner.

a bit much?

i think so too, but then i think about the five years that he wasn't mine. the five years he was abused, neglected, starved and left alone. and all of a sudden, spoiling him doesn't seem so bad.

because life's about days like this. silly memories that you create that someone else might not understand. wearing a pretty dress to wal-mart because it's a nice day out and your hair is falling in a good way and you feel like it. staying up late to watch reality television even though tomorrow is a big day. eating breakfast for dinner and cake for breakfast.

because in breaking those little rules we gain something big. i'm not sure what that is yet, but i'm learning. and honestly having quite the ball in the process. are kids this much fun? goodness, i hope so.

perishable goods

around midnight, all my appliances start glowing. my laptop casts a pretty blue light around the office, my cell phone glows in the dark bedroom, buzzing occasionally with a late night call from my sister. the television, in all its glory, beckons me with light and sound and moving images just waiting to take me out of my world, off the couch in our tiny house by the side of the road, and into a realm of glamour, where giada can eat five pounds of pasta without gaining weight, emily can deny a boy a rose and make him cry, and country stars can sashay around in painted on jeans. even the news doesn't seem as scary when delivered by a pretty blonde in a smart blouse.

but last night, when i was directly in the throngs of technology, i looked over at robert and pablo and had a clear thought. if i wanted them to be, every single appliance in this house could be here forever. this iPad can sit right there on the sofa until i'm 90. it's not going anywhere at all. it's a non-perishable good.

but these boys looking back at me? why, that's a different story. we're aging. pablo hesitates to jump up on the guest bed now. it's harder for me to touch my toes in the morning. even robert has a few renegade grays in his beard. the truth is, we're perishable. it's not morbid or sad, it's a beautiful truth. we will go bad one day, just like the cucumbers hanging in the kitchen, or the bread on the shelf. so i have to remind myself to savor the good. the now. the ripeness of today.

of course, if i plan on saving pablo, i've got another thing coming. that pup's been spoiled since the day we got him.

our plans, and His

sometimes, your best laid plans get washed.

sometimes, you pay out the ears for a groom and a haircut for your pup.

you put your own hair in one of those "i'm so hippie and free yet this took me quite a while to do and required more bobby pins than a real hippie probably owns" topknots.

you wear your new shoes handed down to you from your mama. the ones that didn't quite fit her feet and came along on the exact evening the tennis shoes you've had since high school decided to shed themselves  as you walked down the driveway.

you wear your favorite shades and your t-shirt with a pickle on it, and you're feeling pretty fabulous as you start out for the dirt road, just a pretty sunday evening in june.

then, the heavens open up and from nowhere at all black clouds spin into view.

you start walking fast, then a little faster, almost to a power walk (because even in the most dire of circumstances, running must be avoided)

and you realize you're still a good half mile from home and the rain is pounding furiously

then, you look down and see your fluffy, manicured, pampered, prissy pooch

soaked to the bone with his held thrown back

taking the water square in the face

jumping up and down and wagging his tail harder than you've ever seen
happy as a lark

deliberately jumping in every.single.puddle on the way home

and you realize that sometimes
God's got better plans in store than yours.

a burial and a burr patch

this weekend was beautiful. we sent nanno off with a full military funeral, some special big band music, and a slideshow that didn't leave a dry eye in the room.

in other news, pablo broke his leash on saturday, ran into the woods, frolicked in a burr patch for five minutes, and came out looking like this.

when it's a weekend and no vet or groomer is available, parents have to do what parents have to do.

we shaved him with my dad's beard trimmers.

hope your weekend was equally lovely!

life lately, according to my outdated flip phone

i always love those gorgeous instagram collages that bloggers post of their daily lives. the ones where the light's hitting the coffee cup swirl just right and the flowers are a vibrant shade of purple. but alas, i am still carrying around my old flip phone circa 2005. the one i've dropped in water too many times to count (i have a special cup of rice labeled "cell phone" just for this purpose.)

so these will have to do. i'm noticing a trend, are you? i'm like one of those mamas who carries around pictures of her babies on a long, dingy plastic wallet foldout.

don't laugh. i have one of those too.

the power of a good walk, and a good dog

yesterday, we took off from our little cottage and walked toward my parents' house. we met mama and my sweet sister halfway and walked the rest of the way with them. we took my favorite route. the one past the pastures and little brick cottages that line our joining roads. it was peaceful and reminded me that there is more to this life than work. more than bills and tests and papers and stress. there is earth and grass and a sunset. that's what's important.

then, alas, pablo woke up with an ear infection this morning. my sweet boy. one vet visit and ridiculously overpriced bottle of ointment later, he's on his way to recovery. i've never seen a more adorable sick pup. (he looks immensely sick in this picture, but it's just the sun in his eyes. all is well on the pablo front:)

*update on nanno: thank you from my entire family for your prayers. the doctors now think he's just got a nasty case of pneumonia, not congestive heart failure as they originally thought. still not the best prognosis, but a little more sunshine than we've had.

xoxo

a mama's duty

because babies haven't graced our lives yet, i like to imagine pablo as my child. this means taking incriminating pictures of him in his rainy day sweater. i like to imagine showing these shots to his future mates, specifically the cat down the street toward which he has shown a particularly romantic interest. it's what mamas (who apparently have too much time on their hands) are for.

can't take him anywhere

last time we took pablo to the park, he spotted another dog. it went a little something like this:

oh, hi. would you look at that? another bichon.

oh wait, he's coming closer.

mama, he's coming CLOSER.

MAMA!!!!

needless to say, we left. 

this weekend, it was in the high sixties and sunny in our little corner of north carolina. so we tried again.

we left early and excited, with the promise of a day spent by the water, under the shade trees.

but every other dog owner in the surrounding 99 counties must have had the same idea, and there were dogs, huge dogs, everywhere.

this time, pablo didn't even make it to the ground, content to stay in my arms. 

and not until we found a greenway where there were more walkers and bike riders than canines, did he his little heart still.

so maybe i have a sissy dog.

maybe he was in an abusive home for five years where he was picked on as the runt, until one evening in november we rescued him.

maybe he's more comfortable lounging on a microfiber sofa eating treats and receiving excellent belly rubs than running in the dog park. 

maybe (absolutely) he needs to be properly trained by cesar millan.

maybe i shouldn't have gently pushed him down the slide at that elementary school playground we passed.

but an extra half hour with my baby in my arms? if it's all right by him, it's all right by me.

finding the soul

there are some times, some special, deeply intimate times, when eyes transform and become portals, little peep holes into souls. sometimes, when the light hits just right and i'm at the right vantage point, i swear i can see into the sacred. like robert's grandma in the hospice bed. the split second her lids fluttered apart. or robert's. squinting up at me in the november sunshine, down on one knee.

the other day, it was pablo. riding in the car on my lap, sneaking peeks behind him at me in my dress. the way the wind was blowing his ears and how his wet nose felt against my wrist. and looking into those pupils i swear i felt God. He does come in unexpected ways sometimes, and a sunday car ride home with the windows down and twilight swirling seems like a pretty lovely place to make an appearance.

two essential topics

#1: today is my sister's birthday. she is turning twenty. twenty!

the girl who slept feet from me all her life until i left for college.

the girl who made my phone calls in high school when i just couldn't and stood beside me at my wedding.

the girl who is infinitely more  beautiful, kind and good-hearted than i could ever hope to be.

i love you, carly. and i'm honored to call you my best friend. the sisters thing is just the icing.

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#2: today i'm over at my friend sarah's blog, desirous of everything. sarah asked me to do a little how-to post. and i thought. and thought some more. i've seen super blog tutorials about how to make bib necklaces. how to sew a wallet. how to cook a delish nutrish meal.

but i can't do any of those things, so i began to feel like a tiny failure.

then i looked at my ankles and saw my bundle of fluff, pablo. and remembered.

i am an expert in doggie belly rubs.

so hop on over and watch as i break down the art of the belly rub into seven easy steps! then give sarah some love because her blog is a true treasure. just try to not get lost in her writing. just try!

someone's got a dirty mouth

like mamas who stuff lollipops in their purse before church, we know all the right bribes to make pablo stay quiet. our go-to incentive is a little treat filled with peanut butter. perfect for those nights when we want to watch modern family, work on homework, or just  hang out without a pup on our laps, begging to play.

the only problem is, he looks so darn cute afterward. so cute that i turn off the television, shut the laptop and invite him into my arms.

and shows get missed. homework piles up and alone time isn't so alone anymore. but one look into those chestnut brown eyes and suddenly it doesn't quite matter as much as it used to.

modern family, interrupted

pablo won't eat unless i sit with him. unless i'm rubbing his back and whispering that it's okay, that no one is behind him, that his kibble will still be there if he trots around for a bit. some time in the past, some long ago forgotten memory is lying latent in him. the awful idea that someone might take his food, hit him for eating, or try to nudge him out of the way of the bowl. i'll never know what happened to him those five years he wasn't mine.


but i do know how it is now. how i can't sit down to watch modern family without him nudging me, reminding me he is hungry. i've sat on the floral linolieum in that old farmhouse every single night for the past two years. i've learned the crevices of the squares, the intricate pattern of the sage green and buttercup yellow motif.


but it's a good thing, this being needed. being depended upon. even if it's just by a 13-pound ball of fluff. and when babies come to bless our days, as i pray they do, i'll feel just an inkling more prepared. it's ironic. all this time on the cold hard kitchen floor, and i've become softer.

a little humor for this weepy thursday

because i was feeling a bit weepy this morning (do you ever get that way? just weepy...i teared up over a song about trailer parks and shotguns this morning...), and because work is getting tremendous and the days are getting shorter and i need my sunshine more than ever,

i thought i'd share with you something that never fails to make me laugh.

robert is a hobbyist, and is always looking for something new to dabble in. 2010 was the year of home brewing, with concoctions bubbling away in our basement for months.

he decided to name his brew "pablale" a mixture of our dog, pablo, and ale.

and his friend kevin made this label. that is pablo riding a motorcycle. enjoy!

p.s. thank you all for your sweet, sweet messages of encouragement on my presentation yesterday. i may or may not have totally bombed it. maybe the fluency fairy got lost? she certainly visited the girl who went before me, with the killer powerpoint and over-the-top professionalism. better luck next time, right?

a date with two boys

there were two sets of puppy dog eyes staring at me when i awoke on saturday.

one set was attached to robert, snuggled in the yellow blanket, hair damp from a summer night in the country. the other was attached to pablo, nestled between the folds of the sheets, half closed from a lingering dream.

and for the life of me, i just couldn't chose one set. couldn't leave one behind to spend the day alone. so we all three went. on the saturday drive intended for only two. to a little diner hours away where we could get BLTs and sky-high peach ice cream cones. we drank sweet tea out of styrofoam cups and sat under umbrellas. and suddenly, a date turned into a family affair.

one day, i know there will come a time when romance is planned out, and something will happen to interfere. a baby will cry. children will have bad dreams and want to snuggle. it's inevitable. and honestly, after this weekend, i kind of can't wait. we've got plenty of love to go around, it seems.

a birthday slideshow

we are home.

we came back to soybean fields a foot taller, houseplants a bit thirstier. we are a bit browner, calmer and more centered. the beach is spectacular. no matter how many times you've seen it or tasted it salty waters. its enchanting.

and instead of unpacking, instead of working on piles of schoolwork or laundry, i spent hours making this little video. because our little pablo turned eight today and we celebrated in grand style. with dog food cupcakes and trivia games and a cookout for our families. because i'm a proud mama, and if we're being honest, pablo's a total ham.

 

back in my arms again

 

i bet you thought this post would be about robert, and the fact that he's home from his weekend in virginia. and he is. he came back with a thunderstorm quick on his heels this sunday. and when he pulled into the gravel driveway, i dropped the mixing  bowl on the kitchen counter and ran out in  my dress and bare feet. i gathered his scruffy face in my hands and breathed him in.

but someone else was gone this weekend, and has also returned.

and as he napped on my chest last night, and curled his little toes onto my stomach, i felt the steady rise of his stomach, followed by a sweet drop and sigh escaping from his wet nose. and i thought about how, years from now, i will sit on that same sofa. and stroke back baby hair. and wrap my bare arms around a warm little person and feel the same rhythmic beat of breath.

but for now, puppies are enough. especially one who knocked me down with joy the second i walked in from the rain.

the baddest watchdog that ever was

one of the most trying nights in our marriage occurred about a week before moving into our little cottage. we were tired. we were cold. it was halloween night and our new neighbors were having a party. but we were inside assembling our bright yellow ikea kitchen chairs and television stand.

then we tried to fit our sectional into the tiny living room. the unique angles and corners of the space were one of the first things i had fallen in love with on our tour. but that night? we couldn't for the life of us figure out how to work with the room and fit the couch.

so we jutted it about a foot from the old wooden windowsill. the one that catches ladybugs and late afternoon sunbeams. and finally, we realized, pablo had a lookout spot.

he's pretty fierce looking, if you can't tell. his intimidating fluffy white hair and glorious, cascading tail are enough to scare away even the most determined intruder, whom pablo would immediately shower with kisses. at night, he sits under the reading lamp and keeps watch.

but protecting an entire cottage is tough work, and pabs sometimes gets a bit sleepy.

i'll forever love our little watchdog, and i'm forever grateful that he's got a little lookout space to call his own. and looking back on it, it makes me laugh that we got that upset about the couch that night. he in his red basketball shorts and me in my robe. sitting in the middle of an empty new house with white washed walls and linoleum floors. and every night that pablo climbs up onto his perch, i'm reminded that it was worth it. everything was worth it.

pablo says relax, and a little video

an executive walked into my office yesterday and, upon noticing my bulletin board, remarked "practicing with the puppy, i see." and i know he meant for children. and yes, in a way that's what robert and i are doing. seeing if we can handle this little driveway before we get on the highway. but that's not all. i'm practicing so much more with pablo. like how to relax. how to drive with the windows down and not worry about my hair. how to taste the sweet breeze of summer's anticipation. and dive headfirst into the chaos. because he doesn't know that his time here is limited. for him, life is an endless array of mornings playing in the dew, afternoons with robert's grandma, snoozing in the soft flesh of her powder fresh arms. and nights curled up in a king sized bed.

but i know better. i know that life is short. and that knowledge, sad as it might be, sets me apart. and allows me to cherish more deeply. and life more freely. there are times when pablo actually stops and smells the flowers outside. i swear, that dog is wise beyond his 56 dog years.

we spent an entire day lounging last weekend. we ate breakfast for supper and didn't get out of our pjs or leave the house. and this video captures how we spent our time. have a beautiful weekend, friends, and a very happy easter to you and your family.