Tuesday, April 5, 2011

a realization at 2 a.m.

there are moments when i think i'll never be able to be a parent. when the pleasures of staying up and sleeping in, spending my money on myself, and traveling on a dime weave themselves into my fancy. when i look at my own mama and wonder how to measure up. when i see all that the world is coming to and think about the cold future. when i look at my shortcomings, failures and inadequacies. for instance, my stutter makes me hate the phone. what will i do that day my daughter asks me to call and see if her friend can come over for a playdate? will i make robert do it? will she, in turn, love him more?

there are nights, when everyone is asleep and my little road is jet black and silent. when something catches me awake and i can't return to the comfort of my unconscious. when i stare at the ceiling, red alarm clock light bouncing off. and wonder about things like this, though i'm nowhere near pregnant.

but last wednesday night, pablo ate some dove chocolate, tinfoil included. six pieces, and he was up all night sick. and i laid, outside of the covers, on his little pallet, and rubbed his back for two hours. my feet cold, with robert slumbering unaware, mere inches away. i went outside with him at 2 a.m. and fed him at 3. i looked into his big eyes and reassured him with soft coos.

and i thought to myself, maybe i've got a little more mama in me than i thought.

28 comments:

jillian m. said...

i have very very similar thoughts. i think to myself, "will i ever become a parent? because i just don't see it!". i treasure my alone time. i love just picking up and going anywhere without a second thought.

but when i'm with my nephews (although they exhaust me to tears!), sometimes i think, "maybe i CAN do this...someday".

Amber Blue Bird said...

oh poor little Pablo. I think the mothering instinct will just come as evident when your pup got sick. A few of my close friends have had babies recently and they say everything just seems to fall into place. Fingers crossed they are telling the truth

Jenni Austria Germany said...

i have always had a really strong maternal instinct but still wonder all the time how i will EVER be able to raise kids (i mean...that's a LIFETIME commitment, in case you were wondering!). then there are days when i can't wait. so confusing.

Brooke said...

aww we all have mama in us!! You'll be a great MOM and I hope he's feeling better!!

Amy said...

i think you'll be an absolutely wonderful mother when the time comes. pablo is a lucky puppy. thanks for sharing this!

Romance In A Glance said...

Aw such a sweet post. From the sound of it, you do have that "mama" in you and I'm sure you would make a wonderful mother. Have a great day!

Jennifer Rod said...

awww so sweet. he is the cutest.

charla beth said...

this is the sweetest post :) from the God-fearing woman i have seen you to be from all your posts, i have no doubt you will be an incredible mother.

those pictures of pablo are darling.

Mel said...

aww your poor baby! You will be an amazing mama someday!

M. said...

you'll be great.
he's adorable.
xoxo

Kristina said...

Poor Pablo! I hope he is feeling better! :)

You will indeed be a great mother!

Christi said...

Yes, I think you will be an awesome mama!

melissa said...

You have A LOT of Mama in you! You will be an amazing Mama when that day comes. That is so sweet what you did for Pablo. I would do the same & have with my puppeh. I hope he's feeling better though & I am sure he was more than thankful for his mama for taking such good care of him =) xoxo

Kimbirdy said...

aw, poor pup! i think we all have the ability to take care of others if we need to. we are all connected in meaningful ways and our empathy is a beautiful way to make even better connections. i love how that's built into us from the very beginning!

Consider The Lilies said...

im sure you will be a wonderful mother :) what a precious little pup you have

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

you will be such a great mother- and your children will accept you for who you are and love you no matter what- They will think you hung the moon-

becca said...

beautiful post and aw what a cute puppy

Brittany H. said...

I'm not a mama yet either, and don't know if I ever will be. I don't even know if I want to be. I will say this though, just by reading your blog, I think you'd make a fabulous mama.

I hope your pup feels better.
xxxx
www.brittanyhavican.blogspot.com

LesleyRH said...

Aww poor little thing. I think we all have those same thoughts but you'll be wonderful no doubt.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Aww what a lucky dog to have you. You're going to make a wonderful mother!

Jillian said...

Courtney, no doubt you will be a fantastic mom one day! I know that for a fact!

Briana Teresa said...

what a cute puppy! I'm sure you'll make a wonderful mama when you're ready. Until then, your dog is awfully lucky to have such a caring owner

Marissa said...

He is so sweet! The poor little guy look so sad.
I'm just sure you will make a great mommy someday, too :)

XXXO
Marissa

http://tastesandstyle.blogspot.com

Shalyn said...

I could have written this post! I have dreamt of being a mom all my life and now that the time is near I am all freaked out! I just have you remind myself, like you were, that we are meant for this and that I will be fine! You are going to be an AMAZING mother!

Lynn {hearted girl} said...

it's true, right? when those kinds of things happen to our fur babies we really show our true colors. yours are all nurturing and pure love filled. i have no doubt when the time is right you will be the best momma ever. ♥

calla said...

what a cute little guy!!!

xx
calla
www.SHINYUPSIDEDOWNCROSSES.BLOGSPOT.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop/CallaAdriano

Brandi {not your average ordinary} said...

It's good to discover that in yourself. I'm not nearly ready for children, but how I take care of my cats! When you love, you grow, more than you expect.

JMay said...

Aww. I enjoyed this post, it's totally relatable!

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