an adultnapping

robert and i are leaving in a few hours to take my brother to the carolina mountains. a weekend spent in the heart of the blue ridge, with early morning pancake house visits and late night walks around still, black lakes. of a lykki li and first aid kit concert inside an old, echoing music hall.

i first wanted to title this post "a kidnapping," because that's what we're doing--stealing him away from life for a few days to breath in air that's a little colder, a little more filling.

but the problem is, he's not a kid. before i could gather him in my arms and ask time to slow down, he grew. from riding his skateboard, to driving to applying for college. he leaves this spring. so, adultnapping it is.

on a semi-related note, adult napping is exactly what i want to be doing right now. filling my veins with lots of black coffee after last night's premiere of the latest twilight installment. yes, i hopped on that bandwagon. and yes, i thought this movie was one of the best. chugging through today with the tree-topped peaks soon on the horizon.

like a cat on a hot tin roof

then jump off the roof, maggie, jump off it. now cats jump off roofs and they land uninjured. do it. jump.

 

 xxx

we browsed netflix around eleven. with the television glowing, mummering. pablo curled up with his nose at his toes, slumbering, sighing.

and we were in one of those moods. those indecisive, can't-make-our-minds-up-to-save-our-life kind of mood. twenty minutes later, we found it. cat on a hot tin roof. i'd never seen it, and with the recent passing of liz, i thought it apt.

and i sat. never has a movie so mesmerized and enchanted me. at not since marlon brando in a streetcar named desire, have i so swooned over a fifties leading man. paul newman is glowing in this movie. seriously so strong, complex and beautifully tormented. i ate it up.

and there is a line near the beginning of the movie. where maggie is standing near the fence with big daddy, and she tells him that she has a million emotions running around in her mind. waiting to be lived. waiting to be felt.

and how beautiful. to think there are still some emotions i haven't tapped into yet. haven't felt in my core. i've felt sadness, but i'll feel it deeper one day. i've been scared, hurt and overjoyed, but there are elements of those feelings that i've still yet to process. and there are emotions i haven't given names to yet, because they haven't entered my life.

what do you call the emotion when your child drives away to college? standing alone on the campus lawn, watching your world get smaller as the footsteps between you grow. or walking away from your retirement party. pulling out of that parking space for the last time. looking into your baby's eyes for the first time. getting unexpected phone calls in the middle of the afternoon that change your life.

there are emotions i've yet to feel. some i hope i never do, and some i can't wait to experience. but like elizabeth so passionately declares later in the movie, i'm alive. and as long as i am, i'll get the glorious honor of feeling. deeply. ferverantly. and without fear. because the tin on this roof is hot, and i'm not afraid of heights.