waiting on the dove

and the waters prevailed upon the earth a hundred an hundred and fifty days. (gen. 7: 24) 

after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated. and the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of ararat. and the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen. (gen. 8: 3 - 5) 

via

i read this yesterday and stopped in my tracks. as i dove into the story of noah, i realized something i'd never before understood. 

after the rain stopped, the waters still rose.

there were still oceans of fury and seas of torrent. it was 150 days before they stopped and the ark came to a rest. before the jostling and rolling and slamming against rocks came to an end. all this time, i thought it was only forty days. not that that's any better. and even then, even when the sun peeked its meager head forward as if asking, is it okay now? can i come out?, all was not safe. there was another period of waiting. of sending a dove back and forth, back and forth, until one day he didn't come back and that's when they knew. the gate could be opened and they could walk on the dry land.

sometimes the hurts don't come in thunderstorms. they don't always wash over you and threaten to drown you in their weight. sometimes, they just toss you around a bit. a snap from a co-worker. a plan changed unexpectedly. a phone call that leaves you nervous and worried. yes, the waters often rise even when the rain has stopped. and what's hard is that sometimes its those little waves that hurt the most. those little nags that weave their way into your life without your consent.

my sweet nanno is still not home from the hospital. there are bills to pay and my cherry red desk isn't making them any prettier. i haven't had a deep sleep in days and my nights have been spent twisting and turning between rest and  prayer.

but there's a morning, too. if we just wait for the dove. the mountains have been there all along. we'll see their tops soon.

because it's close to easter, and i needed this

xxx

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to.

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved. 

 -from this beautiful song

a breakthrough in the shutdown

 xxx

i walked into the corporate kitchen, and into a conversation. i sidestepped the men and reached for the coffee machine, my creamy white mug and vanilla toffee creamer jumbled in my hands.

one man left, leaving just me and another. i smiled politely and said hello. i started walking away, when he asked me. "did you hear about it?" 

of course i heard about it. of course i got the e-mail. of course i've been worrying about it since last night, i wanted to tell him. instead, i murmured "uh-huh." i tried to walk away, to retreat back into my little office nook where i could hold my mustard seed necklace, read a psalm and let the morning sunshine pour past the  window pane and into my weary spirit. but he kept on.

"are you worried? what do you think? i've been watching the news and..."

he proceeded with a re-cap of the pending government shutdown. the indecisiveness. the right-wing, left-wing, he-said, she-said debate. the effects on our company. the preventative measures being taken. the midnight deadline that felt ages away. he walked away slowly, with an air of defeat.

i watched my co-workers on friday. when faced with an angry circumstance, true colors are shown. i watched for the hurt. i watched for hate, disgust and blame to be thrown. 

i didn't see any of it. because like i've said before on this blog, i believe in people. and call it blind optimism, but i also believe in their goodness. and in their ability to cope and be okay. on friday, i saw people consoling, encouraging. i heard "it's all going to be okay" more than once. i said it myself, to girls in my office who were new. and scared.

and it worked out. the government struck a deal and nothing shut down. and i'm not political, and can't even tell you all the details, but i can tell you this: in a crisis, or in this case, the threat of a crisis, there might be a tendency toward animosity, resentment, and outrage. but in the midst of the rubble is a chance to come together. to unite and create a combined energy. and against such a beautiful force, no disaster can stand for long.

cutting corners

sometimes i take the easy way out, it's true. well, maybe not the easy way, but the practical way, which often seems to be the same thing. and it's crazy. i'm creative, passionate and ambitious about some things. but others, eh. not so much. sometimes saving time and money trumps being free-spirited, and i cut corners. in fact, i cut corners twice this week, and it's only wednesday.

i shall explain.

xxx

   

cutting corners #1

yesterday morning, my hair dryer died. it would not even start. and i realized this only after i washed my hair. so there i was, six in the morning, sopping hair dripping down my cold back. and all i could think of was my mama, and how she chided me for going out of the house in the winter with damp hair, and how horrified this situation would make her.

then i started scheming. of a morning trip to wal-mart to get a replacement. i thought, hey, i can make this fun! i'll go right now, super early. grab me an coffee and granola bar from my favorite organic bakery. get to work before my boss. catch up on writing letters at my desk. watch the sunrise on my drive.

instead, i went about my morning as usual, puttering around the house until the last minute, and i dried my hair with the heat vent in my car. static ensued.

cutting corners #2

the other night, i had ambitions of going to the gym. actually using that monthly membership, because right now it's just looking like a pretty expensive "free" t-shirt.

what did i do instead?

exercise on demand. from my living room, in front of the television {did you know there are like 50 free shows to choose from?} i did pilates and hip hop classes and learned the audition dance from cats, all in about 45 minutes. i didn't run on the treadmill, do any crunches, or even really break a sweat. it was kind of pathetic, but i never see robert during the day, and wanted to be home with him.

-------

so my days didn't go exactly as planned. but i'm still just as blessed today as yesterday.  and the creativity and energy will come again, just as smoothly and effortlessly as it went. 

and i thank God for today. for the chance to be me, even if that means cutting corners every now and again.

hey, at least when you cut corners, you're not square.

the song that wasn't

I sat down to write you a song

A simple melody you could hold on to

I wanted to tell you I love you

I wanted to tell you I feel you near, but

Two hours later

A blank sheet of paper

And I’m still here

Your words are beautiful

Your words are wonderful

Your word’s the lamp unto my weary, wandering feet

My words are ordinary

My words fall flat and every

Single time I write them I feel so inadequate

Cause you wrote the book

xxxx