on being human, discussions with myself at midnight

we went to bed early last night, in an overambitious effort to rise early in the morning and have quiet time. he wanted to go for a run before it got hot. when the dew was still clinging to the thirsty grass and a cloud hung over the pavement. i wanted to make a hot cup of coffee and stir in my new milk. read my Bible and breathe in the morning from the vantage point of my kitchen windowsill.

but at midnight i was still awake and my mind was still pacing furiously. the awful events of last friday. the last movie i saw in a theater. my pup asleep at my heels. how hard i made him walk in the evening heat. the ensuing guilt. robert's whisper soft slip of breath on the pillow to my left. such is the fodder of a dark bedroom when you're the only one awake.

eventually sleep came, followed by a late morning. an afternoon in the coffee shop, my headphones on high and my nose burried in journal articles.

all of this to say that i have been feeling incredibly human as of late. incredibly fragile and breakable and fallen.

and there are nights like last night and days like last friday when it's this tenderness that just breaks my heart. but then there are moments that change everything. like on my morning drive when i saw two birds run into the sky just moments before my honda cut through the air. i watched them ascend into the sunrise, this life redeemed. and it was my humanity for which i was the most grateful.