Friday, April 13, 2012

two things. one is happy, the other is hopeful.

today is friday. and there's a little sliver of sunshine dancing on the bushes outside my office window. it's a precious reminder that though there are storm clouds above the oaks, there is hope. i gave a presentation last night, in a big city two hours away. i got up to the podium and for all my practice, special ear device and big deep guttural  breaths, i completely bombed. i felt my face flush and my stomach sink to my ankles as about twenty eyes watched me stammer.

i cried all the way home as robert championed my ability to fight my fears. to stand defenseless in a room full of lions. i didn't do as i wished. as i planned or hoped. but i did it. i stuttered my way through an eighteen minute humiliation. i left to a room full of crickets.

i sank into the bathtub at one in the morning and hugged my knees to my chest. i read somewhere that when lady gaga gets lonely or sad, she rubs her feet together. one day, she said she rubbed all day. holding my knees to my chest in an old ceramic tub full of hot water is my similar defense mechanism. that and a good sob. i got  both.

but as robert reminded me on the ride home, i have a sweet life. i have a family and a little plot of land and a warm home. a pup whose heart bursts when i walk into the door.

and i have sweet, beautiful friends who lift me up to unimaginable heights. one such friend is diana. in talking to diana over the blogosphere, her heart for christ and for others is immediately transparent. not only do we share a favorite movie (the last kiss), her blog is so well written and she challenges me and her readers to love like Jesus. to be thoughtful and considerate and celebratory of the little moments.

diana has sweetly featured me on her blog today. go on over and check it out.

and do have a beautiful weekend, xoxoxo.


Tiffany said...

You do have a sweet life, Courtney! I'm sorry that your presentation did not go as well as you had hoped. Take some time to enjoy this weekend!


Blondie's Journal said...

I'm sorry you had to go through this but be proud that you put yourself out there. I have never walked in your shoes but I feel for you. You are sweet and bright enough to look at the positive side and many don't have that quality. Stay strong!


Kira said...

I get so nervous when I have to speak in public. My voice changes and I forget everything I practiced. I fell like I did absolutely horrible by the time I am finished. People always tell me that I did well, but I can't believe it. Maybe we are our own worst critics though. I bet you did better than you think. Either way though, you did it and that takes a lot of courage!

Sarah said...

Awww try not to beat yourself up. At least it's over and done with! Just keep listening to the sweet man of yours who's totally right =)

- Sarah

Amylou said...

You have so much courage sweet girl! Way to go! He is right. You did it and I'm not sure that I could have!

Daydream Living said...

Hi Courtney,
Not only are you brave enough to do it, you write about it as well, here on your beautiful blog. Listen to your sweet husband, he is so right. I'm glad to know you, not personally but still, I feel I know you and I'm happy I do, cause you make me smile and you make me stand still and think, many times when I come here to read your posts.
Thanks for being you, keep on smiling ok?
big hugs,
Maureen xx

Mackenzie said...

i love how you capture things, courtney. it's just so sweet and true and hopeful. sending you lots of love, dear. xo

chambanachik said...

If they only knew you like we knew you. :) Any of us would be in raptures to watch your presentation!

ruthy ann said...

I think you're more courageous than you know...and sharing such a vulnerable moment is an example of that!

charla beth said...

i love erika's comment:) if only they knew.

i'm sorry you had such a bad day--i hope it was redeemed with sunshine and beauty and lots of grace. and just know, i'm sending a little hug your way<3

p.s. your guest post was stunning.

"my life is my novel and it’s reading pretty well" made my heart ache in the best way.

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