Wednesday, February 22, 2012

to everything, a season

it is the journey of my life to find the answer. to seek to understand, wrap my little mind around, the tangible concept. it's why i study with flash cards and spend way too long mulling over quiz options. why i drive myself crazy with my cheek against the pillow at midnight, a million questions and thoughts and scenarios spinning around behind my eyes until finally the momentum is fast enough that i get dizzy and fall asleep. it's a never ending cycle of wandering, wondering and feeling around in the dark for that one moment when everything aligns and a second of comprehension reveals itself.

but last night i sunk into the bath and reversed, for a moment, my thought flow. or rather, my thought rush.

maybe it's the questions. the asking. the holding your head up to the sky and sending a request up to God. the rising early and gathering the blankets around your feet, brewing that first cup of coffee just to get your head right. the attempt -- goodness knows-- the blessed, sacred attempt. the days you wake up and think today will not be like yesterday and by mid morning you realize, oh actually, today is just like yesterday. but you push forward until nightfall anyway. for the fringe of hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be different. better. brighter. warmer.

and you keep searching and asking and yelling and rebelling.

praying and questioning and researching and reading.

and one day you understand you must be good enough to yourself to know when to stop. when to realize it's not the answer you need. not the new day or the different night. but just to lie in bed and hold you arms against your chest and breathe in the cotton and remind yourself that it's okay not to know. not now, not in a little while, maybe not ever. there's a reason for the gray. a season for the fog.

17 comments:

Michelle said...

What beautiful words. I know exactly what you're talking about. I go through that exact cycle with myself every week it seems. The analyzing, confusion, questioning, and eventually the release of it all.

Sue said...

I know we have all felt this at one time or another. It's so beautifully written here & I love the pictures as well

larisaa said...

That picture is so beautiful. And your words. So perfect.

Kristina Streeter said...

I love this post for so many reasons! :) You write very beautifully, I know I have said this a million times over! I know the feeling you are writing about.

Blondie's Journal said...

This caught me by surprise...the part about the rush of thoughts. I, too, lie awake and can't turn it off. Promises that tomorrow will be better, and it isn't always. Wonderful post and the picture is awesome!

XO,
Jane

ginanorma said...

beautifulest writer in the world...sweet u.

oh what a day like this i had yesterday...Lord help me to be OK not knowing, oh help courtney's words resonate.

Christi Lynn said...

i hope you know i really enjoy your blog! the pictures are amazing and so are the words.

Lindsay said...

truly moving. thanks for writing.

Mackenzie said...

oh this so hit me right in the heart. thank you thank you a million times thank you.

charla beth said...

tears.
i wish you could know how desperately i needed this.

your last couple blogs have just reached right down the depths of my soul and grabbed hold and swirled me around and changed my perspective in the best way.

i'm so thankful for this little blog where you change people with your words. even more, i'm so thankful for YOU, dear friend<3 you are so lovely, inside and out, and you never cease to make me feel new with your writings.
thank you.

Emily said...

you always know what to say.

Amber said...

I feel like this post pretty much sumas up my week thus far. I just keep hoping that its gonna get better but each day is turning out to be the same. I needed your words today. Thank you.

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Jennifer Rod said...

This is so well written and has captured my heart. I've been there too my friend... and all we can is hope and trust in a God who knows it all, but for our own sake reveals it at his time. xoxo

beka said...

hmmm..
today was a really hard day for me, and it was a positively gorgeous morning. hard contrast.
your writing says it so well.

Kira said...

I wish I could put words together the way you do. So beautiful.

bridget anne said...

this post completely made my day. i love your perspective, your humility.

i am your newest follower & can't wait to see more posts from you!
http://bridgetfossedal.blogspot.com

chambanachik said...

Beautiful and poignant. I needed this this morning.

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