Thursday, December 1, 2011

wednesday night discord

it was a computer night. robert tucked into his walnut corner desk, plumbing tickets organized and spread across the smooth wood. and i behind my cherry red table, the one we painted ourselves that hot august, with scratches and dings along the side, battle scars of moving.

and we sat there and stared. into the black hole that is the internet. microsoft word. etsy. pablo nudged my heels and i looked down to see his little squishy face, tennis ball in his mouth. i wish there were some sort of tennis ball machine we could get that would just shoot out balls for him to chase, i found myself saying.

and as soon as the thought made its way from my crowded mind to my loose, sleepy mouth, i regretted it. regretted asking for silence. for peace and quiet. for a still, resting home.

give me the noise, the hectic. that floorboard in front of the guest room that moans when work boots hit. give me cereal bowls in the sink and curlers on the bathroom vanity. i want to revel in the mess of it all, the lived-in feel of a  house turned home. give me late nights on the linoleum in the kitchen, dog face mashed into my own. robert's tennis shoes under the coffee table and plants overflowing on the windowsill. give me the underbelly of the beast of chaos.

i don't want to miss it. this fleeting bubble i can almost tangibly feel drifting higher and higher toward the heavens. of all my loved ones still here. a pup who still wants to play, and can hop onto the bed. able arms that can throw toys, stretch into child's pose and wrap around my husband. it's brief, this life. a whispered breath, really. and to wish for it to be any easier, any less involved, is a pity. for discord, i've found, is the mother of dreams.

13 comments:

Courtney B said...

What a beautiful post, and a perfect reminder to just LIVE. I want to enjoy every moment of my life because it is a gift! And it can all be taken away too soon...

jeanette from everton terrace said...

As usual, I agree with everything you so eloquently said.

Jennifer Rod said...

Courtney, this is such an inspiring post. it really is.

Holli said...

I remind myself of the same things.... when my cat is crying and wants me to hold her and I just want to lay down in my own space with a magazine I remind myself "she won't be here forever. Cherish the time"

Thisisme. said...

Lovely post Courtney. You're so right, life is so brief and if little Pablo wants to play, then play he shall!! Love it how you want your house to be a home, with all that entails. Hugs.

Blondie's Journal said...

I never had a quiet house, since when I met and married my husband, he already had the two boys {he was widowed}. By the time I was 30 I had 4 kids under the age of 10. Noise is natural around here...it will come to you, too.

XO,
Jane

Shalyn said...

This is perfect- computer and quiet versus LIVING. Love it.

Gentri said...

I am so glad I read this. Thank you. I needed to read it. I'm sorry I've been such a terrible bloggy friend lately! I am trying to be better. I've missed your blog!

Erin said...

I love your ability to enjoy all the little moments in life! It is so important to be able to do so....you always remind me that I need to be better! :) Love that sweet pup!

chambanachik said...

Beautiful.

Ashley said...

This is so beautiful. I love how you found character and beauty in the hectic. Such a gift you have!

gina said...

yes, contemplating beauty I tell ya LOL!
Beautifully written, and precious thoughts...
your little guy looks a lot like mine:)
So happy you had stopped by my blog!
peace

charla beth said...

there is so much beauty here.

i'm a little bit obsessed with that 90's show, roseanne? there's this episode where she escapes to a diner for the evening to get away from the hectic and messy of her house and kids. and the waitress at the diner tells her about her late husband--how it's so hard to go to a an empty house, so she turns on the sports channel real loud, just like her husband used to do. you can tell by the look on roseanne's face that she's so humbled--realizing that what she was just trying to escape from are really her most precious blessings. :) that's what this post reminded me of. the loud and the hectic and the messy are all the signs of a life being lived out. and i think you have such a blessed perspective on all of it. even more, i love that you pass it around to the rest of us.

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