Thursday, August 18, 2011

thoughts from a bathtub

last night, i lowered myself down into the bathtub. it was late and the hallway was perfectly dark and i left the lights off. and as my feet became wet, i felt them sting and burn. they are blistered, these painted toes of mine. these piggies i shoved into the narrow recesses of my new flats. i sat there and looked at them, peachy against the steel of the faucet.

and i stayed there long after the water cooled and sunk down a bit. sometimes i do that, you know. just sit in the tub and let the cool rush in and think. there's really only so much one can do in there, so after a while it's easy to give in to daydreaming and remembering.

i bought new flats on saturday. at my favorite thrift store on a cloudy morning. they are too small. it's just that simple and just that hard. simple because i love them. hard because i shoved myself into them and wore them to work. hard because i had to take them off just to walk to my car. hard because when i got home at six, all i wanted to do was hurl them across the linoleum floor and watch them slam into the television stand.

and women do this all the time. mold, shove, squeeze, adjust and shift. our bodies. our clothes. our expectations. in an effort to please? perhaps. out of vanity? certainly sometimes. but more often than not, it comes from our overwhelming desire to please. to fit a mold and fill a niche. yesterday, i wanted to be the girl in the cute flats. and today i am limping on bare feet.

so i sat until i shriveled. and let the skin loosen and float. and promised myself tomorrow would be different. that tomorrow i would let myself breathe, from my muddled head to the tips of my beet red toes.

21 comments:

Off the Cuff said...

Sorry they hurt your piggies...but wondering what size the flats are? ;)

Stephanie said...

Poor feet!! Over the weekend Target had a ridicuulous sale on their summer shoes so I snagged a pair of open toe heels that lace up. The back is reinforced with a zipper. They fit my feet and looked great with my dress but after walking around for a few hours I realized I had massive blisters on the backs of my ankles where they were digging into my skin. Later that night I had other plans that included walking around downtown. The wise thing would have been to trade off the shoes...but no. Silly vanity. I wore the heels again and my ankles are still pretty annoyed with me. It'll be weeks before I attempt them again. :( And I don't even have a tub to soak them in!! Major sad face here.

Ana Magdalena said...

oh no! I have done this myself a million times. In middle school, my sister once referred to me as the girl with the big feet. I started buying smaller shoes to mold my feet, to make them smaller. I went from a size 9 to a 7 1/2, it was painful and I realized I had to stop. Thanks for sharing such a lovely post about a reality that we "women" face everyday.

Kaitlin Gudz said...

Aw. Your poor feet! I hope that today will be better for them!

Blondie's Journal said...

I've done this, too, Courtney. And I totally get your analogy. But think of the shoes that are like old friends! I have some I can't part with no matter how old and beat they are. They are like a part of me and I don't care what anyone thinks. We all have that side and I bet you have a couple of "best friends" too!

I hope your little piggies feel better soon!

XO,
Jane

Liz Taylor Training said...

So true how we constantly mold ourselves to fit and become others expectations... quite tragic, actually. From shoes to men...

Christi said...

Super cute shoes! I can see why you tried to force it. :) Hope your feet feel better soon.

Tina said...

story. of. my. life.
tinacrane.blogspot.com

Christina @ The Athletarian said...

Oh no! This happens all the time! Wear something comfy for the next few days to let them heal :)

Gentri said...

I am sorry about your feet! I usually have the opposite problem.

Mo Pie, Please said...

This couldn't have been said any better. I am guilty of this - of all of this. I hope your little piggies heal up, it's no fun having blister-covered feet. I know from experience!

Amber Blue Bird said...

I've done the same thing. I found a pair of pretty blue calvin klien flats on sale for 10 dollars and couldnt resist. I wore them one day to work and could barely get to my car afterward. I have since parted with said shoes. I feel your pain.

Thisisme. said...

Your poor little feet my friend! I think all of us women have done that at some time or other, squeezing our poor little toes into shoes like that. I feel your pain too!

Justina F. Lee said...

Sometimes we think we would wear something even though it's slightly uncomfortable. Then we realize that it's not worth it and we trash it. I hate when I can't turn away from the temptation!

HazelandMare said...

So sorry my dear! I have so been there. A tip I learned from my ballet days is wrap your toes in band-aids before the squishing. You go through a lot of band-aids. But you get to keep your cute shoes! :)

Shalyn said...

Oh, the things we do in the name of beauty! I bet you were the pretty girl in the cute flats, though:-)

Megan said...

Ohhh I feel your pain (literally). I hate when I find thrift store shoes and they just BARELY fit. *sigh*

a girl with a smile said...

hmm, intriguing thoughts

Bibi said...

Hope your toes are feeling better by now, Love! I almost bought some flats at the thrift store on Thursday, they were too small, but I loved them... talked myself out of it and now I can't stop thinking about them. lol

Yours look cute! have you tried (literally) shoving/squeezing a wet cloth in the shoes over night to stretch them a bit? I use that little trick sometimes and it works wonders! :)

Chelsea said...

Hope those piggies of yours heal up! Ouch!

Eartha Kitsch said...

Beautifully said. I have those exact same shoes in red and they're SO cute. And I keep trying to wear them though they always hurt. I've almost donated them twice but keep removing them from the pile.

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