Tuesday, June 21, 2011

please be careful with me

i'm sensitive.

i still remember the name and the face and the powdery smell of my third grade teacher who called me down on the playmat. i remember every detail of that moment, chiefly because i'll never forget the way my stomach dropped and my face flushed and i got shaky all over right in the midst of it.

and i still remember the snarky look on the boy's face in high school who mimicked the way i talked over the cafeteria table. and the one who heckled me after my presentation in earth and environmental science in the ninth grade.

and i cry way too often over the smallest things. puppy mills on the news. a song on the radio. kittens on a bridge. a baby i don't know eating a cupcake in a highchair. the list goes on and on, i tell you.

and last night i sorted through a few of my grandpa things. he's still well, and sat a few feet away in his recliner as i looked through old textbooks, college directories, and christmas cards. the idea of my family was that i could use these things in my etsy shop. he didn't say a word as his belongings were gathered into boxes and picked through like an in-home yard sale.

but when i got home with them, i was washed with emotion. that's the best way to say it. just washed.

i can't do it. can't sell the metal detector he made himself, or the old typewriter, or the recipe box of my grandmother's. the sage green planter or the desk lamp. the cassette tape player or the eight-tracks my mama wore out.

sometimes i worry that i feel too deeply. live too much in the moment for my own good. but i suppose i'd rather feel too much than not at all. still, i long to find that off switch. when i can look at that metal detector and only see a thing. just an object. because that's all stuff really is anyway. it's the relationship behind the material that matters.

if ever you see a typewriter in my etsy shop, you'll know i've figured out how to do just that.

19 comments:

Blondie's Journal said...

i really strive to live in the moment...we get nowhere living in the past or trying to jump ahaed to the future.

I understand your feelings on selling your grandfather's treasures. Some can buy antiques and treat them respect for what they were to a previous owner, some just want trendy objects. Mull it over, Courtney.

XO,
Jane

Jill said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel so emotional too.

Amylou said...

Gosh I'm that way too. It's so hard to let go of things somtimes. Even though they are just things, they trigger wonderful memmories.

Kristina said...

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about - especially with things when they have meaning either to myself or someone else.

Mo Pie, Please said...

I'm sensitive too. And I feel the same way about so many of these things.

Victory Garden Yarn said...

I hear you on this! Cleaning out my grandmother's house last year was a lesson in object vs emotion. Luckily my mom said she'd house all the random little things I decided to keep, until the day I live in something larger than a matchbox.

I'd suggest using some of those pieces as props in your Etsy shop? That way you can share them with the world but still get to keep them with you!

Amber Blue Bird said...

this would have been hard for me too. I tend to hold on to too many things for their sentimental value like a music box that no longer plays music but my grandmother used to love to listen to it. Its hard to part with things that bring back such great memories

Thisisme. said...

It's much better to be caring and sensitive, than to be hard and unfeeling my friend. I'm sentimental too. When my mum passed away, it was over two years before I could go through all her things, and then I kept most of them!

Eleanor said...

agreeing. im exactly the same as you. xx

christi @ burlap and basil said...

i love the opening line ... i think we often forget where people are coming from and where we, ourselves, are coming from. we all have to be gentle.

Callie Nicole said...

Oh, this post made ME want to cry! I'm with you - I know their just things, but it's the memories and relationships assciated with them that you don't want to let go.

Bibi - Simple Summit said...

*hugs*

your lovely words put tears in my eyes - I cry often, too, and understand deeply what you write.

You are blessed to still have your grandfather with you. Wonderful post, Courtney. It touched my heart deeply.

chambanachik said...

Mmm. All I can say is yes. I understand all to well.

Jennifer Rod said...

i totally understand. sometimes, i have to fight back tears when in public. but i agree with what someone commented, it's much better to be sensitive than hard...

kate said...

this was wonderful. so...so beautiful. words cannot even begin to touch on this. perfect my dear. your heart is so good.

Shalyn said...

I love what you said above it being better to feel deeply than not at all-so beautiful. Definitely is hard to feel so deeply, though!

cara said...

oh, i know what you mean. such a lovely post friend.

cara said...

and i swear i was already following you but for some reason blogger says i wasn't? in any event, i am now. c:

Lynn {hearted girl} said...

you are a beautiful soul and please say no to the "off" switch. i got a lot out of this article, i think you might too. ♥

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