Friday, March 4, 2011

rain and remembrance

i thought time would take it away.

that after 10 years, i wouldn't hear the voice of the boy across the lunch table telling me, in tone loud enough to cause tears to rise from my gut, that i was nothing but a stutterer. the  moment after that big presentation, when the sea of relief was replaced by anguish and a faceless whisper from a boy in the back of the room. "that was g-g-g-great." the teacher by the whiteboard, asking me, while my classmates sat in stale, cold silence, to take a deep breath and start over.

i ran into that lunchroom bully a few months ago and we exchanged the kind of formalities that old high school acquaintances do. a quick side hug and quicker duck out the door. by his wide smile, i could tell he didn't remember. and how could he? but i did. that teacher, the one who also taught my mama, passed away a few years ago. i haven't heard from that whispering boy in ages. last i heard, he got married and lives nearby.

everyone, everywhere, has forgotten. and that's fine. and you know, i forgive them.

but there are days i remember more than i want to. when someone at  work raises an eyebrow as i explain something, or a phone call to my family goes silent for a second when i'm trying to catch my breath. when the glottal blocks give way to giant insecurities that make me want to take a vow of silence.

but then there are days like yesterday. when i saunter in to an executive's office and present my case, in a fluency that is altogether alien but more and more familiar to me. with a slow, deliberate message and confidence rising with every fully pronounced syllable. and again, the cycle of doubt recedes.

and isn't that all we can do? to hope that little by little, those moments of exhilaration join like water molecules until one day they bring forth the most beautiful, healing rain. one that will wash away all the bullies, taunts and lingering fear.

yes, a rain deep enough to cleanse away the past and rush me, on its raging ocean, into a happier future. that's all it would take. and i'm almost there. because after the rain comes the rainbow, and you best believe i'm not missing that.


Cat said...

High five to you for nailing the presentation! Those sorts of events can be quite nerve racking! Sounds like you kicked butt AND took names (yeah!!!!)

On a separate note, bullies are so mean and the emotional scars they leave can be quite raw. The worst part is, they rarely ever remember their actions...from a psychological standpoint this is prob because they are so super insecure themselves they take to teasing other kids relentlessly to boost themselves up. I am so sorry to hear you had to go through such a traumatic event...if it helps, I had the entire 4th grade turn against me when I was a kid (long story short, apparently one of the boys had a huge crush on me and the other girls were so jealous that they turned the class against a mob! The ironic part is, I didn't even like the least not like "that").

Have a sweet weekend!

becca said...

what a gorgeous rainbow

jeanette from everton terrace said...

I think perhaps the rainbow has come because you shine quite a light on the world my friend.

Anonymous said...

beautiful :) you always word things so.. elegantly! I think thats the word I was looking for :) xx

Daydream Living said...

Oh Courtnes, your soul is so gentle, love this post!

And wasn't it Maya Angelou who said:
{I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel...}
Well, you make a lot of people feel good with your writing, never forget that!
Happy weekend my dear blog friend,
Maureen xx

Daydream Living said...

Oops, my typing was a tad too fast...
Courtney (wrote s instead of y...)

ruthy ann said...

you have a beautiful way with words...forgiveness and confidence definitely cleanse the soul.

Ana* said...

I hope the rainbow comes soon, It's been six months of constant rain for me because I can't seem to forget, I wish it was easier, but I will get there eventually. Your writing is so inspiring!


thank you so much for your comment. i am enjoying yours as well. very inspiring. i especially like your colors. everything is so warm. its like an old knitted blanket.

this was a great post. i can relate.

Amber Blue Bird said...

i know that rainbow will come for you soon enough, you are too good of a person for it not to come.

mskanorado said...

Such a beautiful post!! Glad you nailed the presentation! You go girl! Forgiveness is so powerful! Have a lovely night!

Brandi {not your average ordinary} said...

Words may have challenged you when you were younger and they were on your tongue, but the fluency with which you write will take over until the memory nearly disappears. How could they not? And that rainbow will be something spectacular. Have a fantastic weekend, lovely!

Tiffany said...

I love that you shared this story with us. Your blog is one of my very favorites!


Shalyn said...

YES! So glad your presentation went well! But, so sorry you had to endure the pain of naive people. So sad- we all have some sort of stutter- mine is my red cheeks.

I love how beautiful and special you KNOW you are and that we all are. So glad you were able to forgive!

Signe said...

So sorry you had to go through all that! And I was actually sending you a thought when I saw the Oscar for best movie go to The Kings Speech - you are one of the two only people that I 'know' that struggles with stuttering.
Great job on your presentation and a happy weekend to you :)

Lynn {hearted girl} said...

oh courtney, this bleeds.

it's so true how you said he wouldn't have remembered a thing but how deeply ingrained those scorns he dared to voice were to you. my heart is sorry there was a reminder of such horrendous treatment.

i'm happy to hear there are the "other" days to help you find the balance but...

you are a rainbow, right now! these kinds of cathartic tales are the light halos surrounding you like auras. you are the sum total of every beautiful color in the spectrum. xo ♥

Tiq said...

Oh..I'm sorry that you have to go through that difficult period. But you have such an amazing heart, do you know that? A job well done on the presentation.
Have a lovely weekend !

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